i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize