Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
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when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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