Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
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No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
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I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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