Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
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Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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