just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
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If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
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We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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