Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
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I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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