Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
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The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
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Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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