go do what you do best...puke behind churches
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
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There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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