Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
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he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
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What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize