ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My vagina just recognized that song.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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