you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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