What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
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Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
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We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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