he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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