you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
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I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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