I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
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That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
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I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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