The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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