i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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