For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
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At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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