Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
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She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
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Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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