i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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