I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
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the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
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As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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