yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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