mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
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i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
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No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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