I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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