Can i not drive my cunt home
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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