Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
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First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
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Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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