Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
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How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
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I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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