We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
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I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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