So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
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Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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