Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
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it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
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I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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