Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
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God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
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Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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