Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
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the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
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Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
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