My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
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my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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