I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
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There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
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she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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