hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize