New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
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Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
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He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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