my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize