just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize