I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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