I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He shit in the fireplace
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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