Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
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No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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