so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
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when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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