Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
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Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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