a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
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dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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