She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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