Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize