i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
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I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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