I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
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My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
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