i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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