I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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